Forgiveness

I have hesitated talking about this topic for a few months now, with the disagreement of the world behind me.  For apparently Sin is rated on a scale of bad to worst, and only the bad ones are forgiven.

Some people don't practice forgiveness whatsoever. Others do but think that forgiveness is only acceptable for certain people and certain things.  The other certain people and things are left in a category of unforgivable. Even in the Christian world, There are a few "Unforgivable Sins." which makes this topic so controversy and hard to talk about.  But there is ONE here who has showed me otherwise, ONE who stands behind me and he is here with me now telling me to write this. So here we go.

Hate the SIN not the SINNER

This world wanders around far too much and far too long with anger and hate in their hearts. People and the things that people do are often looked at as "unforgivable"

Now I have struggled with forgiveness and let me be the first say,  to not forgive is an ugly thing. While we are busy holding this frustration against people we are doing real harm to ourselves. We become captives to hate, A murderous spirit.

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Most of my readers know my story, for those who don't here is a quick overview.

Ezra Rene'e My only child my beautiful baby girl. She lived to be 22 months. Her father in I separated in December of 2013. He had started seeing another woman (For the sake of this message we will call her Angela.) Now Angela had become close to our family, she had come in as the "step- mother" in a sort, taking care of Ezra. And becoming my friend, or so I thought.

August 22, 2014  11:47pm "Ezra's not breathing"

The message set to my phone.

I had a long drive to the hospital, three hours. In that time no one knew if she was okay or not. Was she alive? Severely injured? Dead? The longest most fearful drive of my life. I prayed, and I had prayed In a way I never had before. Somewhere about halfway through the drive to the hospital HE spoke.

HE said "She is gone, I have her, And I want you to forgive Angela now." In tears and with a silent gasp I mustered a very uneasy but trusting "Okay"

We finally got to the hospital where three hours after my arrival they gave us the news that would turn my world upside down forever.

"She didn’t make it"

Three months after her death Angela was arrested for murder in the 1st degree.

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The Struggle

I originally intended to only put the good in all of this. thinking it would shine light. But if I don't put the hard times what good will it do?

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Looking back on my last few months and what I have shared with everyone it seem to show a beautiful journey of spirit. A life full of Godly miracles. And although that is true God is always at my side, it only portrays half of the journey it has not shown the struggle that brings the upliftings. The darkness that illuminates the stars.

Many days I wake up broken. No matter how I hold my heart at night it is still in a million pieces. Frequently I pray that God will make my time here short. And a majority of time, life does not make any sense. I don't feel any purpose.

I miss her badly. I pray so hard that I could have her back. This morning, I have yet to even get out of bed. Part of me thinks that if I stay here long enough the world will stop turning and I can move on to the heavens and away from my misery. I get angry, very angry. On some occasions I even find that revenge is in order.

Some days I believe that if I didn't trust in God suicide would be an option. Some days I wish I cared less. 

These some days come around, and if it was not for my God they would be everyday.

Really I am not different than anyone else in this world, I am not in some "miracle bubble" things are not perfect. I still hurt, I feel pain, and I cry daily. But I hold on to hope. I hold on to Jesus, and he makes me alright.

A peace in the storm your voice I will follow, 

In weakness I rise remembering you hold MY WORLD!

I know that I am here for a reason, and though its often hard telling what that reason is, I know it is something other than torture. And I choose to continue walking this path no matter what grief it may bring because I know His plans are better than my own.

There is a real struggle out there, beyond all the happy post and warm smiles. it is a fight, every day, every moment of every day to stand by God, and choose to be happy, to move out of these trenches and not let those thoughts over take who I am, A child of God.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1: 2-4

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Mother's day. A time of grievance or a time of joy?

Mother's Day!

3 years ago I received the best mothers day gift of all, I found out that I would be having a little girl, Her name would be Ezra Rene'e Wilson. I would only get the joy to spend this day with her twice in her short life. And that makes this mother's day very hard.

All week I have had a glum feel surrounding me. I am nervous about what May 10th will hold in store for me this year. Agony? Heartbreak? Sorrow? Most certainly the inability to contain all of those tears. I have an on going timer in my head, counting down the days, the hours, the minutes, until that pain sets it.  One day until mother's day and my heart is shattered, my bones ache, and my muscles are tender. I woke up broken.

Mother's day, A day of celebration, A day of honor. For the ones who nurtured, cared, and loved us. A day for the mothers we have, the mothers we have become, the mothers to be, the grandmothers, and the women who stepped up to the plate when they didn't have to.

But what about the child without a mother? What about the mother without a child?

With the help of a friend I have learned, That this is your day too!

Maybe we can reverse the cycle and instead of suffering through Sunday May 10th, Maybe we can celebrate it! Why? Because today belongs to you! Yes you who is reading this right now! This is your day! For you had the most wonderful mother and she wants you to celebrate! For you who have lost a child, you are still mother and you deserve it! Tomorrow instead of lingering in the affliction I challenge you do something special. Let's spend this day rejoicing with our loved ones in spirit! They want that joy for you.

Tomorrow I will get out of bed, I will put on my Sundays best and make my way to church. After that I plan on going on a hike down at some water falls and will letting go of some balloons in memory of a daughter. I will celebrate the life we had together and I will celebrate the mother she made me become. 

I pray that all the other mommies and daughters who are out there dreading this day that God will give you comfort.

 

Father I ask for light to be led into their lives today,

That today they can find healing instead of mourning,

Speak peace into them,

Wrap them up in your cloak so close that they have no choice but to rejoice!

Thank you for always standing by our side even when it is to hard to see,

You are a GOOD father!

When the world calls me bereaved HE calls me a mother!... And in being a mother, tomorrow is my day to celebrate!

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WARRIOR!

Going through some of my old journal entries today and I

 stumble upon this. What amazes me here is that there are 

so many people out there who fall in the "victim" category. 

What I don't think they see is that they put themselves there.

 In fact we are not really victims at all! We are warriors! And 

even though there are bumps and bruises along the way, it's 

all part of perfect design to make us stronger! So today I 

encourage everyone allow yourself to stand up straight and 

take off those chains YOU are no longer a victim YOU are a 

warrior!!

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God's Court

Psalms 82:1

God takes His stand in His own congregation; He judges in the midst of the rulers.

In the last few months a lot has happened. The woman who murdered Ezra has gone to jail, We have gone to court a few times. She is now out of jail and on house arrest. 

The last court date we had was February 24 and it was the hardest yet. We held a preliminary trial, which is where the Judge decides if there is enough evidence to take her to court and charge her with first degree murder. A lot of details were brought out during this trial including details of the autopsy. It was horrifying.

 I could no longer sit in this chair watching the woman who did this to my child, listen so intensely to the graphic details of what she had done. I started to pray, I felt peace, And I was covered. 

And God spoke,

"Naomi, There is a far greater court going on right now, Ezra will get her justice in Heaven."

How relieving it was to hear that! I spend a good amount of time before court worried that this woman will get off without any charges, that my family will never see justice for this death. 

But my Lord comforts me through it all allowing me to be at peace knowing that it is all in his hands. 

This woman may be out running around right now, and even though I can not see it, This trial is in God's court, and she will have to face the ultimate Judge. 

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Running from God

About five months into my pregnancy with Ezra I had started bleeding, Immediately I went to the healing rooms at my local church. There they started praying over the baby and myself. One of the women asked me "Have you given this child to God?" I shook my head no.

I had been following God for a few years at this point, But this, this was different. It felt dangerous to me, out of my comfort zone. I felt as though if I gave her to God he would take her from me.

I struggled with this for a while.

God had been telling me that he wants me to give Ezra to him, in a spiritual sense of course. She was six months old by now and I was still keeping up the fight with Him. On a Sunday morning, (the same day of my story, Sparkle) I went up to the alter. I had finally given up the internal fight with God, and I placed my daughter in his hands.

After her passing,  I often found myself angry at God. "If I had not given her to you, you would have not taken her from me!"

One woman asked me, "Naomi, how would you feel right now if you had not given her to God?"

…..Well I didn't stop to think about that one!

No longer am I angry at God, in fact I am so happy that he pushed me and pushed me to give her to him. He had a bigger plan going on that day.

Many times in my life I have ran from God. Fear of loosing my child kept me from doing what God had asked. If I kept up the selfish fight with God I believe I would be struck with much more grief.

God has a plot unfolding here, and He has given me a choice. Every moment of everyday I have to make the choice to succeed or to fail. To follow him or to follow myself. And today I choose to succeed, I choose to do what it is he asks of me no matter how difficult it may be. Without him I would fail, so why choose otherwise?

What I am getting at here is that no matter how scary it may be to choose God's plan over our own, no matter how difficult the path may be. God's way is the right way! 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

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The Poem

September 1, 2015

I couldn't be happier for little Miss Ezra, free and joyous. But I can't seem to find happiness for myself, since I am now only a bereaved mother, who has been robbed of her only child. It seems easy to be happy for someone who is in Heaven having the time of her life. But much more difficult for the woman who was left here mourning the absence of her little bundle of joy.

On this day I got a letter in the mail that would help me overcome these thoughts. A few words to help me learn to be happy for myself as well.

Borrowed Gems

I'll lend you for a little while

A child of mine, He said,

For you to love while he lives,

And mourn for when he's dead

It may be six or seven years,

Or twenty-two or thirty,

But will you till I call him back

Take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charm to gladden you,

And shall his stay be brief,

You'll have his lovely memories

As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay

Since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there

I want this child to learn.

I've looked the whole world over

In my search for teachers true,

And from the throng that crowds life's lanes

I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love

Nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate Me when I come to call

To take him back again?

I fancied that I heard you say,

"Dear Lord, thy will be done,"

For all the joy the child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness

We'll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we've known

Forever grateful we'll stay.

But shall the angels call for him

Much sooner than we planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And try to understand.

Then I had realized that when God was up in the heavens making the most perfect daughter, He was also searching for the perfect mother suit to take care of her. Of all the people on this Earth, and all the people yet to be made, my Father chose me, to play with her, to teach her, to tender to her and to love her. How fortunate am I? I have chosen now to be happy for myself. With the tools God has given me I am able to do so. Even though the heartbreak is often something fierce, I can always find the silver lining knowing that God loves me enough to give me the most precious gift of a beautiful daughter, even if only 22 months.

Rejoice! 

1 Peter 5:6-7  Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

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She Lives!

August 29, 2015

Ezra's Flower

We had a celebration of life ceremony for Ezra. It was short, simple, and sweet just like her. At our church, Pastor spoke a prayer, Grandma sang a song, and I shared a short story of my last day with Ezra, Which I would like to now share with you.

"The morning of her passing we went for a hike behind our home. She was showing me her little "weed" that she picked. She carried it the whole time, examining it, and loving it. Holding moms had she showed it to me one more time, I had told her it was a weed, She said "No mommy, flower."

What beauty!

I have held this moment so close. It was at that time I seen the perfect innocence of a child's mind, the delightful beauty of their spirit, and the genuine sincerity of love in their heart.

My heart is glad and I can only be grateful that she has taken these traits with her. Her innocence will never be corrupted by the world, Her name is Ezra Rene'e Wilson and she lives! In the kingdom of heaven and in our hearts! Enjoy Heaven Roni and remember Mommy loves you best!"

Ezra's Sunset

We then released balloons into the sky that we had all written our farewell wishes on them. Mine said "Mommy loves you best." We invited everyone inside for cake but most people gathered outside to watch the most beautiful sunset the Lord made for Ezra.

Rejoice!

"Oh no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Oh no you never let go, every high and every low. Oh no you never let go Lord you never let go of me!"

Ezra's Balloons

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Sparkle!

                                              

                                              August 26, 2014

There are a few things that have been hindering me at this point. Ezra's favorites.

I know her favorite song, and her favorite foods, but I will never know her favorite character, or her favorite color. This has been attacking my heart. Crying I share this with my mom, she smiled and said "Naomi you know who her favorite character is!"

….. Why yes I DO!

Rejoice!

August 27, 2014

Still dwelling on her favorites, what might be her favorite color? Purple has seem to be very significant the last few days, A single purple flower bloomed outside of my house. Lots of purple everywhere.  I started to wonder, Is this her color!?! Taking a shower I grab my purple scrubby I started to pray. I simply said "Lord if purple is Ezra's favorite color let me know." Minutes later I am dressed, I get into a box of old photos that had been long forgotten until now. The very first picture I see, right on top is Era sitting in the church on the day that I gave her to the Lord, and her shirt reads. "Sparkle is my favorite color"

Thank you LORD!

Rejoice!

Matthew 7:7 Ask and It will be given, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened. 

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REJOICE!! - The Vision.

August 23rd 2014

Struggling to make it through this the next day I had my newborn baby nephew Hunter to help subdue the pain. Holding him made my heart feel warmth in a place I thought was taken with Ezra. He went on a little hissy fit a and auntie came to the rescue! We went to the back yard and I proceeded to rock him and sing. I sang to him one of my favorite song, Days of Elijah.

"Behold he comes! riding on the could, shining like the sun at the trumpet call, so lift your voice it’s the year of jubilee our of Zion's hill salvation comes"

During this chorus I closed my eyes and God gave me the most lovely vision. I found myself in Ezra body, and at the same time at her side watching her. She opened her eyes and she saw the most glorious light, a white light. Unheard of in this world, a white that our human eyes can not comprehend. Then comes fourth this outstanding cloud in the same white, only more depth to it. The cloud rolls forward and on top of it comes this beautiful graceful white horse with some sort of being sitting upon it, not necessarily Jesus, or God, maybe the holy spirit? Whoever the entity, It was absolutely stunning! Ezra at this point is overwhelmed by joy, peace and love! So much of it that she can't help but to run to him! Suddenly they start running after each other. Oh! The reunion! So much joy! The trumpets play and they celebrate, Ezra has finally come home!!

It is no wonder to me that this world it's so hard to overcome. We view death as horrific, pitiful, dark and tragic. When in fact death is beautiful! Marvelous! A joyous a reuniting of father and child. The most uplifting part of life, the day we return home! The world would say otherwise, Tragic they say, Evil they say, but my Father and daughter have shown me other wise! He has chosen me a word to live from every time I am down,

Rejoice!

Psalms 118:24 This is the day which the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.

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