The Struggle

I originally intended to only put the good in all of this. thinking it would shine light. But if I don't put the hard times what good will it do?

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Looking back on my last few months and what I have shared with everyone it seem to show a beautiful journey of spirit. A life full of Godly miracles. And although that is true God is always at my side, it only portrays half of the journey it has not shown the struggle that brings the upliftings. The darkness that illuminates the stars.

Many days I wake up broken. No matter how I hold my heart at night it is still in a million pieces. Frequently I pray that God will make my time here short. And a majority of time, life does not make any sense. I don't feel any purpose.

I miss her badly. I pray so hard that I could have her back. This morning, I have yet to even get out of bed. Part of me thinks that if I stay here long enough the world will stop turning and I can move on to the heavens and away from my misery. I get angry, very angry. On some occasions I even find that revenge is in order.

Some days I believe that if I didn't trust in God suicide would be an option. Some days I wish I cared less. 

These some days come around, and if it was not for my God they would be everyday.

Really I am not different than anyone else in this world, I am not in some "miracle bubble" things are not perfect. I still hurt, I feel pain, and I cry daily. But I hold on to hope. I hold on to Jesus, and he makes me alright.

A peace in the storm your voice I will follow, 

In weakness I rise remembering you hold MY WORLD!

I know that I am here for a reason, and though its often hard telling what that reason is, I know it is something other than torture. And I choose to continue walking this path no matter what grief it may bring because I know His plans are better than my own.

There is a real struggle out there, beyond all the happy post and warm smiles. it is a fight, every day, every moment of every day to stand by God, and choose to be happy, to move out of these trenches and not let those thoughts over take who I am, A child of God.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1: 2-4

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Mother's day. A time of grievance or a time of joy?

Mother's Day!

3 years ago I received the best mothers day gift of all, I found out that I would be having a little girl, Her name would be Ezra Rene'e Wilson. I would only get the joy to spend this day with her twice in her short life. And that makes this mother's day very hard.

All week I have had a glum feel surrounding me. I am nervous about what May 10th will hold in store for me this year. Agony? Heartbreak? Sorrow? Most certainly the inability to contain all of those tears. I have an on going timer in my head, counting down the days, the hours, the minutes, until that pain sets it.  One day until mother's day and my heart is shattered, my bones ache, and my muscles are tender. I woke up broken.

Mother's day, A day of celebration, A day of honor. For the ones who nurtured, cared, and loved us. A day for the mothers we have, the mothers we have become, the mothers to be, the grandmothers, and the women who stepped up to the plate when they didn't have to.

But what about the child without a mother? What about the mother without a child?

With the help of a friend I have learned, That this is your day too!

Maybe we can reverse the cycle and instead of suffering through Sunday May 10th, Maybe we can celebrate it! Why? Because today belongs to you! Yes you who is reading this right now! This is your day! For you had the most wonderful mother and she wants you to celebrate! For you who have lost a child, you are still mother and you deserve it! Tomorrow instead of lingering in the affliction I challenge you do something special. Let's spend this day rejoicing with our loved ones in spirit! They want that joy for you.

Tomorrow I will get out of bed, I will put on my Sundays best and make my way to church. After that I plan on going on a hike down at some water falls and will letting go of some balloons in memory of a daughter. I will celebrate the life we had together and I will celebrate the mother she made me become. 

I pray that all the other mommies and daughters who are out there dreading this day that God will give you comfort.

 

Father I ask for light to be led into their lives today,

That today they can find healing instead of mourning,

Speak peace into them,

Wrap them up in your cloak so close that they have no choice but to rejoice!

Thank you for always standing by our side even when it is to hard to see,

You are a GOOD father!

When the world calls me bereaved HE calls me a mother!... And in being a mother, tomorrow is my day to celebrate!

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WARRIOR!

Going through some of my old journal entries today and I

 stumble upon this. What amazes me here is that there are 

so many people out there who fall in the "victim" category. 

What I don't think they see is that they put themselves there.

 In fact we are not really victims at all! We are warriors! And 

even though there are bumps and bruises along the way, it's 

all part of perfect design to make us stronger! So today I 

encourage everyone allow yourself to stand up straight and 

take off those chains YOU are no longer a victim YOU are a 

warrior!!

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God's Court

Psalms 82:1

God takes His stand in His own congregation; He judges in the midst of the rulers.

In the last few months a lot has happened. The woman who murdered Ezra has gone to jail, We have gone to court a few times. She is now out of jail and on house arrest. 

The last court date we had was February 24 and it was the hardest yet. We held a preliminary trial, which is where the Judge decides if there is enough evidence to take her to court and charge her with first degree murder. A lot of details were brought out during this trial including details of the autopsy. It was horrifying.

 I could no longer sit in this chair watching the woman who did this to my child, listen so intensely to the graphic details of what she had done. I started to pray, I felt peace, And I was covered. 

And God spoke,

"Naomi, There is a far greater court going on right now, Ezra will get her justice in Heaven."

How relieving it was to hear that! I spend a good amount of time before court worried that this woman will get off without any charges, that my family will never see justice for this death. 

But my Lord comforts me through it all allowing me to be at peace knowing that it is all in his hands. 

This woman may be out running around right now, and even though I can not see it, This trial is in God's court, and she will have to face the ultimate Judge. 

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