The Struggle

I originally intended to only put the good in all of this. thinking it would shine light. But if I don't put the hard times what good will it do?

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Looking back on my last few months and what I have shared with everyone it seem to show a beautiful journey of spirit. A life full of Godly miracles. And although that is true God is always at my side, it only portrays half of the journey it has not shown the struggle that brings the upliftings. The darkness that illuminates the stars.

Many days I wake up broken. No matter how I hold my heart at night it is still in a million pieces. Frequently I pray that God will make my time here short. And a majority of time, life does not make any sense. I don't feel any purpose.

I miss her badly. I pray so hard that I could have her back. This morning, I have yet to even get out of bed. Part of me thinks that if I stay here long enough the world will stop turning and I can move on to the heavens and away from my misery. I get angry, very angry. On some occasions I even find that revenge is in order.

Some days I believe that if I didn't trust in God suicide would be an option. Some days I wish I cared less. 

These some days come around, and if it was not for my God they would be everyday.

Really I am not different than anyone else in this world, I am not in some "miracle bubble" things are not perfect. I still hurt, I feel pain, and I cry daily. But I hold on to hope. I hold on to Jesus, and he makes me alright.

A peace in the storm your voice I will follow, 

In weakness I rise remembering you hold MY WORLD!

I know that I am here for a reason, and though its often hard telling what that reason is, I know it is something other than torture. And I choose to continue walking this path no matter what grief it may bring because I know His plans are better than my own.

There is a real struggle out there, beyond all the happy post and warm smiles. it is a fight, every day, every moment of every day to stand by God, and choose to be happy, to move out of these trenches and not let those thoughts over take who I am, A child of God.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1: 2-4

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