Running from God

About five months into my pregnancy with Ezra I had started bleeding, Immediately I went to the healing rooms at my local church. There they started praying over the baby and myself. One of the women asked me "Have you given this child to God?" I shook my head no.

I had been following God for a few years at this point, But this, this was different. It felt dangerous to me, out of my comfort zone. I felt as though if I gave her to God he would take her from me.

I struggled with this for a while.

God had been telling me that he wants me to give Ezra to him, in a spiritual sense of course. She was six months old by now and I was still keeping up the fight with Him. On a Sunday morning, (the same day of my story, Sparkle) I went up to the alter. I had finally given up the internal fight with God, and I placed my daughter in his hands.

After her passing,  I often found myself angry at God. "If I had not given her to you, you would have not taken her from me!"

One woman asked me, "Naomi, how would you feel right now if you had not given her to God?"

…..Well I didn't stop to think about that one!

No longer am I angry at God, in fact I am so happy that he pushed me and pushed me to give her to him. He had a bigger plan going on that day.

Many times in my life I have ran from God. Fear of loosing my child kept me from doing what God had asked. If I kept up the selfish fight with God I believe I would be struck with much more grief.

God has a plot unfolding here, and He has given me a choice. Every moment of everyday I have to make the choice to succeed or to fail. To follow him or to follow myself. And today I choose to succeed, I choose to do what it is he asks of me no matter how difficult it may be. Without him I would fail, so why choose otherwise?

What I am getting at here is that no matter how scary it may be to choose God's plan over our own, no matter how difficult the path may be. God's way is the right way! 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

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The Poem

September 1, 2015

I couldn't be happier for little Miss Ezra, free and joyous. But I can't seem to find happiness for myself, since I am now only a bereaved mother, who has been robbed of her only child. It seems easy to be happy for someone who is in Heaven having the time of her life. But much more difficult for the woman who was left here mourning the absence of her little bundle of joy.

On this day I got a letter in the mail that would help me overcome these thoughts. A few words to help me learn to be happy for myself as well.

Borrowed Gems

I'll lend you for a little while

A child of mine, He said,

For you to love while he lives,

And mourn for when he's dead

It may be six or seven years,

Or twenty-two or thirty,

But will you till I call him back

Take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charm to gladden you,

And shall his stay be brief,

You'll have his lovely memories

As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay

Since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there

I want this child to learn.

I've looked the whole world over

In my search for teachers true,

And from the throng that crowds life's lanes

I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love

Nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate Me when I come to call

To take him back again?

I fancied that I heard you say,

"Dear Lord, thy will be done,"

For all the joy the child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness

We'll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we've known

Forever grateful we'll stay.

But shall the angels call for him

Much sooner than we planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And try to understand.

Then I had realized that when God was up in the heavens making the most perfect daughter, He was also searching for the perfect mother suit to take care of her. Of all the people on this Earth, and all the people yet to be made, my Father chose me, to play with her, to teach her, to tender to her and to love her. How fortunate am I? I have chosen now to be happy for myself. With the tools God has given me I am able to do so. Even though the heartbreak is often something fierce, I can always find the silver lining knowing that God loves me enough to give me the most precious gift of a beautiful daughter, even if only 22 months.

Rejoice! 

1 Peter 5:6-7  Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

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She Lives!

August 29, 2015

Ezra's Flower

We had a celebration of life ceremony for Ezra. It was short, simple, and sweet just like her. At our church, Pastor spoke a prayer, Grandma sang a song, and I shared a short story of my last day with Ezra, Which I would like to now share with you.

"The morning of her passing we went for a hike behind our home. She was showing me her little "weed" that she picked. She carried it the whole time, examining it, and loving it. Holding moms had she showed it to me one more time, I had told her it was a weed, She said "No mommy, flower."

What beauty!

I have held this moment so close. It was at that time I seen the perfect innocence of a child's mind, the delightful beauty of their spirit, and the genuine sincerity of love in their heart.

My heart is glad and I can only be grateful that she has taken these traits with her. Her innocence will never be corrupted by the world, Her name is Ezra Rene'e Wilson and she lives! In the kingdom of heaven and in our hearts! Enjoy Heaven Roni and remember Mommy loves you best!"

Ezra's Sunset

We then released balloons into the sky that we had all written our farewell wishes on them. Mine said "Mommy loves you best." We invited everyone inside for cake but most people gathered outside to watch the most beautiful sunset the Lord made for Ezra.

Rejoice!

"Oh no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Oh no you never let go, every high and every low. Oh no you never let go Lord you never let go of me!"

Ezra's Balloons

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Sparkle!

                                              

                                              August 26, 2014

There are a few things that have been hindering me at this point. Ezra's favorites.

I know her favorite song, and her favorite foods, but I will never know her favorite character, or her favorite color. This has been attacking my heart. Crying I share this with my mom, she smiled and said "Naomi you know who her favorite character is!"

….. Why yes I DO!

Rejoice!

August 27, 2014

Still dwelling on her favorites, what might be her favorite color? Purple has seem to be very significant the last few days, A single purple flower bloomed outside of my house. Lots of purple everywhere.  I started to wonder, Is this her color!?! Taking a shower I grab my purple scrubby I started to pray. I simply said "Lord if purple is Ezra's favorite color let me know." Minutes later I am dressed, I get into a box of old photos that had been long forgotten until now. The very first picture I see, right on top is Era sitting in the church on the day that I gave her to the Lord, and her shirt reads. "Sparkle is my favorite color"

Thank you LORD!

Rejoice!

Matthew 7:7 Ask and It will be given, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened. 

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REJOICE!! - The Vision.

August 23rd 2014

Struggling to make it through this the next day I had my newborn baby nephew Hunter to help subdue the pain. Holding him made my heart feel warmth in a place I thought was taken with Ezra. He went on a little hissy fit a and auntie came to the rescue! We went to the back yard and I proceeded to rock him and sing. I sang to him one of my favorite song, Days of Elijah.

"Behold he comes! riding on the could, shining like the sun at the trumpet call, so lift your voice it’s the year of jubilee our of Zion's hill salvation comes"

During this chorus I closed my eyes and God gave me the most lovely vision. I found myself in Ezra body, and at the same time at her side watching her. She opened her eyes and she saw the most glorious light, a white light. Unheard of in this world, a white that our human eyes can not comprehend. Then comes fourth this outstanding cloud in the same white, only more depth to it. The cloud rolls forward and on top of it comes this beautiful graceful white horse with some sort of being sitting upon it, not necessarily Jesus, or God, maybe the holy spirit? Whoever the entity, It was absolutely stunning! Ezra at this point is overwhelmed by joy, peace and love! So much of it that she can't help but to run to him! Suddenly they start running after each other. Oh! The reunion! So much joy! The trumpets play and they celebrate, Ezra has finally come home!!

It is no wonder to me that this world it's so hard to overcome. We view death as horrific, pitiful, dark and tragic. When in fact death is beautiful! Marvelous! A joyous a reuniting of father and child. The most uplifting part of life, the day we return home! The world would say otherwise, Tragic they say, Evil they say, but my Father and daughter have shown me other wise! He has chosen me a word to live from every time I am down,

Rejoice!

Psalms 118:24 This is the day which the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.

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Don't Loose Faith!

August 22nd 2014

"Ezra is not Breathing."

I drove home from the Tri-Cities praying harder than ever.

My only baby girl, at 22 months, could be dead, could be fighting for her life. I have no information at his time, no one knows anything, only that they found her not breathing.

"Her name is Ezra Renee Wilson and she lives!" I prayed over and over, the same prayer my father prayed over me in the womb when mom was having difficulties with me.

Those prayers were not answered, not in the way I would have liked them anyway.

I left the hospital later that morning I was sure that there could be no God. No God who loves me anyway. The most horrible pain someone could endure.

The murder of their only child.

I could only think "take me instead." I was undoubtedly going to take my life when I got home, as soon as everyone left. The darkest trench anyone could travel to.

I no longer had purpose, I no longer want purpose. 

I thought, if somehow I made it through this I would be trekking my way, dragging my feet through alleys of despair forever. 

In the midst of the most grim thoughts I heard a voice speak to me. "Naomi if you lose your faith you lose everything. Yourself, your peace, and your daughter."

I felt an uneasy sense of peace.

This is day one of my journey without my daughter, but in total faith of the Lord, Please check out my page to see further stories of what Faith can do!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths!

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My Story

My Story

Part One: 

Ezra and Mommy

Where were you before Jesus found you?

My younger years were spent in a Christian home with a sturdy foundation built on love.  We had a diligent loving mother, and a fun stay at home dad. God in our lives, Prayers at the family dinner, and nachos and popcorn at our Friday night sleep outs. In later years that lovely home turned into a very alcoholic home. The turn of events in my life started with my mother.  She had started drinking and using narcotics. My siblings and I spent a few years in a broken home with a mother who was never really there, and parents who were often at the brink of divorce. She knew what she was doing to us and it was to hard for her to bear, in August of 2004 she had decided to take her life with a bullet to the head. By some miracle she still lives! At age 15 my parents divorced, I spent most of that time in Idaho with my father, and my siblings in Indiana with my mother. At that time My dad took his turn in the addiction and was heavily using drugs and alcohol. I was scared for his safety and mine. I had eventually moved into my neighbors house to get away from the fearful late nights of mothering a drunken father. November 6, 2006 on the way to school I stopped by his house to say goodbye and I had found him dead. I spent the next few years in a very troubled state.  In that season I went into depression. I had started drinking and spent a good about of time hooked on pills. I did a fair amount of self mutilation. I was lying and stealing. At sixteen-seventeen I moved into a drug house and dropped out of school. Broken, confused, angry, and lost I was on a road to nowhere fast!

Part Two:
Where did Jesus find you?

Baptism March 2009

I had started attending a youth group program at my local church. I was wanting to do right but not ready to leave the comfort of the drugs. Therefore I was going to church and doing "good" with God and on the other hand going home to get high and doing the Devil's work. January 16, 2009 I came into that youth group higher than a kite. We were playing some worship music, and Pastor found it appropriate to continue to worship through service. The whole group was at the alter with hands lifted high praising God with the help of Hillsong United's- Mighty to Save. Growing in the Christian home I knew who God was but I had yet experience him myself. On this night I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. I was overcome by the Holy Spirit. He freed me from my addictions. I left that church not only sober but on fire for God!

Part Three:
Where are you now?

Now I am new and alive in Christ. I am going through the toughest battle of my life. But through God's great Grace I am not only making it through, but I am thriving! October 5th, 2012 I gave birth to my only child, my daughter Ezra Renee. What a blessing! In December of 2013 her father and I separated and went on the route of divorce. Just before the finalization of that divorce He started dating another woman. She had become a part of my daughter's life. Taking care of little Ezra on occasion and befriending myself. August 22nd, 2014 that woman took the life of my only precious baby girl. 
Now I find my self 8 months after her murder in and out of the court room with this woman trying to convict her of a crime she claims to have not committed. It has been a long haul, a struggle without doubt, but by the grace of God I am alright! And what I mean by alright is, when the world would think I should be in deep mourning, broken, battered, and bruised, My God has given my peace, comfort, and joy! He has not let me lay awake and night wondering what if, and why.  Instead he gives me rest in him! When the world calls me bereaved, he calls me a mother! 
At one court hearing I was struggling hard, listening to the details of what happened that night, I couldn't bear to handle it anymore. God spoke to me, He had told to not worry or fear because there is a far greater court going on right now, HIS court. And Ezra will get her justice in heaven where she belongs! 
Just after her passing while in deep mourning about to give up on this life, God called out to me and gave me a word.

Shes A Wildflower

"REJOICE! Ezra is right where Ezra belongs! She is happy, well taken care of, free, and waiting your homecoming. You on the other hand are also well taken care of, I am not done with you yet, you will make it through this and you will overcome! I love you best!" In my darkest hour he told me to rejoice and gave me light! And I have been rejoicing ever since.

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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