Running from God

About five months into my pregnancy with Ezra I had started bleeding, Immediately I went to the healing rooms at my local church. There they started praying over the baby and myself. One of the women asked me "Have you given this child to God?" I shook my head no.

I had been following God for a few years at this point, But this, this was different. It felt dangerous to me, out of my comfort zone. I felt as though if I gave her to God he would take her from me.

I struggled with this for a while.

God had been telling me that he wants me to give Ezra to him, in a spiritual sense of course. She was six months old by now and I was still keeping up the fight with Him. On a Sunday morning, (the same day of my story, Sparkle) I went up to the alter. I had finally given up the internal fight with God, and I placed my daughter in his hands.

After her passing,  I often found myself angry at God. "If I had not given her to you, you would have not taken her from me!"

One woman asked me, "Naomi, how would you feel right now if you had not given her to God?"

…..Well I didn't stop to think about that one!

No longer am I angry at God, in fact I am so happy that he pushed me and pushed me to give her to him. He had a bigger plan going on that day.

Many times in my life I have ran from God. Fear of loosing my child kept me from doing what God had asked. If I kept up the selfish fight with God I believe I would be struck with much more grief.

God has a plot unfolding here, and He has given me a choice. Every moment of everyday I have to make the choice to succeed or to fail. To follow him or to follow myself. And today I choose to succeed, I choose to do what it is he asks of me no matter how difficult it may be. Without him I would fail, so why choose otherwise?

What I am getting at here is that no matter how scary it may be to choose God's plan over our own, no matter how difficult the path may be. God's way is the right way! 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

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Don't Loose Faith!

August 22nd 2014

"Ezra is not Breathing."

I drove home from the Tri-Cities praying harder than ever.

My only baby girl, at 22 months, could be dead, could be fighting for her life. I have no information at his time, no one knows anything, only that they found her not breathing.

"Her name is Ezra Renee Wilson and she lives!" I prayed over and over, the same prayer my father prayed over me in the womb when mom was having difficulties with me.

Those prayers were not answered, not in the way I would have liked them anyway.

I left the hospital later that morning I was sure that there could be no God. No God who loves me anyway. The most horrible pain someone could endure.

The murder of their only child.

I could only think "take me instead." I was undoubtedly going to take my life when I got home, as soon as everyone left. The darkest trench anyone could travel to.

I no longer had purpose, I no longer want purpose. 

I thought, if somehow I made it through this I would be trekking my way, dragging my feet through alleys of despair forever. 

In the midst of the most grim thoughts I heard a voice speak to me. "Naomi if you lose your faith you lose everything. Yourself, your peace, and your daughter."

I felt an uneasy sense of peace.

This is day one of my journey without my daughter, but in total faith of the Lord, Please check out my page to see further stories of what Faith can do!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths!

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