The Struggle

I originally intended to only put the good in all of this. thinking it would shine light. But if I don't put the hard times what good will it do?

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Looking back on my last few months and what I have shared with everyone it seem to show a beautiful journey of spirit. A life full of Godly miracles. And although that is true God is always at my side, it only portrays half of the journey it has not shown the struggle that brings the upliftings. The darkness that illuminates the stars.

Many days I wake up broken. No matter how I hold my heart at night it is still in a million pieces. Frequently I pray that God will make my time here short. And a majority of time, life does not make any sense. I don't feel any purpose.

I miss her badly. I pray so hard that I could have her back. This morning, I have yet to even get out of bed. Part of me thinks that if I stay here long enough the world will stop turning and I can move on to the heavens and away from my misery. I get angry, very angry. On some occasions I even find that revenge is in order.

Some days I believe that if I didn't trust in God suicide would be an option. Some days I wish I cared less. 

These some days come around, and if it was not for my God they would be everyday.

Really I am not different than anyone else in this world, I am not in some "miracle bubble" things are not perfect. I still hurt, I feel pain, and I cry daily. But I hold on to hope. I hold on to Jesus, and he makes me alright.

A peace in the storm your voice I will follow, 

In weakness I rise remembering you hold MY WORLD!

I know that I am here for a reason, and though its often hard telling what that reason is, I know it is something other than torture. And I choose to continue walking this path no matter what grief it may bring because I know His plans are better than my own.

There is a real struggle out there, beyond all the happy post and warm smiles. it is a fight, every day, every moment of every day to stand by God, and choose to be happy, to move out of these trenches and not let those thoughts over take who I am, A child of God.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1: 2-4

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WARRIOR!

Going through some of my old journal entries today and I

 stumble upon this. What amazes me here is that there are 

so many people out there who fall in the "victim" category. 

What I don't think they see is that they put themselves there.

 In fact we are not really victims at all! We are warriors! And 

even though there are bumps and bruises along the way, it's 

all part of perfect design to make us stronger! So today I 

encourage everyone allow yourself to stand up straight and 

take off those chains YOU are no longer a victim YOU are a 

warrior!!

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The Poem

September 1, 2015

I couldn't be happier for little Miss Ezra, free and joyous. But I can't seem to find happiness for myself, since I am now only a bereaved mother, who has been robbed of her only child. It seems easy to be happy for someone who is in Heaven having the time of her life. But much more difficult for the woman who was left here mourning the absence of her little bundle of joy.

On this day I got a letter in the mail that would help me overcome these thoughts. A few words to help me learn to be happy for myself as well.

Borrowed Gems

I'll lend you for a little while

A child of mine, He said,

For you to love while he lives,

And mourn for when he's dead

It may be six or seven years,

Or twenty-two or thirty,

But will you till I call him back

Take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charm to gladden you,

And shall his stay be brief,

You'll have his lovely memories

As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay

Since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there

I want this child to learn.

I've looked the whole world over

In my search for teachers true,

And from the throng that crowds life's lanes

I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love

Nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate Me when I come to call

To take him back again?

I fancied that I heard you say,

"Dear Lord, thy will be done,"

For all the joy the child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness

We'll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we've known

Forever grateful we'll stay.

But shall the angels call for him

Much sooner than we planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And try to understand.

Then I had realized that when God was up in the heavens making the most perfect daughter, He was also searching for the perfect mother suit to take care of her. Of all the people on this Earth, and all the people yet to be made, my Father chose me, to play with her, to teach her, to tender to her and to love her. How fortunate am I? I have chosen now to be happy for myself. With the tools God has given me I am able to do so. Even though the heartbreak is often something fierce, I can always find the silver lining knowing that God loves me enough to give me the most precious gift of a beautiful daughter, even if only 22 months.

Rejoice! 

1 Peter 5:6-7  Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

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Don't Loose Faith!

August 22nd 2014

"Ezra is not Breathing."

I drove home from the Tri-Cities praying harder than ever.

My only baby girl, at 22 months, could be dead, could be fighting for her life. I have no information at his time, no one knows anything, only that they found her not breathing.

"Her name is Ezra Renee Wilson and she lives!" I prayed over and over, the same prayer my father prayed over me in the womb when mom was having difficulties with me.

Those prayers were not answered, not in the way I would have liked them anyway.

I left the hospital later that morning I was sure that there could be no God. No God who loves me anyway. The most horrible pain someone could endure.

The murder of their only child.

I could only think "take me instead." I was undoubtedly going to take my life when I got home, as soon as everyone left. The darkest trench anyone could travel to.

I no longer had purpose, I no longer want purpose. 

I thought, if somehow I made it through this I would be trekking my way, dragging my feet through alleys of despair forever. 

In the midst of the most grim thoughts I heard a voice speak to me. "Naomi if you lose your faith you lose everything. Yourself, your peace, and your daughter."

I felt an uneasy sense of peace.

This is day one of my journey without my daughter, but in total faith of the Lord, Please check out my page to see further stories of what Faith can do!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths!

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My Story

My Story

Part One: 

Ezra and Mommy

Where were you before Jesus found you?

My younger years were spent in a Christian home with a sturdy foundation built on love.  We had a diligent loving mother, and a fun stay at home dad. God in our lives, Prayers at the family dinner, and nachos and popcorn at our Friday night sleep outs. In later years that lovely home turned into a very alcoholic home. The turn of events in my life started with my mother.  She had started drinking and using narcotics. My siblings and I spent a few years in a broken home with a mother who was never really there, and parents who were often at the brink of divorce. She knew what she was doing to us and it was to hard for her to bear, in August of 2004 she had decided to take her life with a bullet to the head. By some miracle she still lives! At age 15 my parents divorced, I spent most of that time in Idaho with my father, and my siblings in Indiana with my mother. At that time My dad took his turn in the addiction and was heavily using drugs and alcohol. I was scared for his safety and mine. I had eventually moved into my neighbors house to get away from the fearful late nights of mothering a drunken father. November 6, 2006 on the way to school I stopped by his house to say goodbye and I had found him dead. I spent the next few years in a very troubled state.  In that season I went into depression. I had started drinking and spent a good about of time hooked on pills. I did a fair amount of self mutilation. I was lying and stealing. At sixteen-seventeen I moved into a drug house and dropped out of school. Broken, confused, angry, and lost I was on a road to nowhere fast!

Part Two:
Where did Jesus find you?

Baptism March 2009

I had started attending a youth group program at my local church. I was wanting to do right but not ready to leave the comfort of the drugs. Therefore I was going to church and doing "good" with God and on the other hand going home to get high and doing the Devil's work. January 16, 2009 I came into that youth group higher than a kite. We were playing some worship music, and Pastor found it appropriate to continue to worship through service. The whole group was at the alter with hands lifted high praising God with the help of Hillsong United's- Mighty to Save. Growing in the Christian home I knew who God was but I had yet experience him myself. On this night I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. I was overcome by the Holy Spirit. He freed me from my addictions. I left that church not only sober but on fire for God!

Part Three:
Where are you now?

Now I am new and alive in Christ. I am going through the toughest battle of my life. But through God's great Grace I am not only making it through, but I am thriving! October 5th, 2012 I gave birth to my only child, my daughter Ezra Renee. What a blessing! In December of 2013 her father and I separated and went on the route of divorce. Just before the finalization of that divorce He started dating another woman. She had become a part of my daughter's life. Taking care of little Ezra on occasion and befriending myself. August 22nd, 2014 that woman took the life of my only precious baby girl. 
Now I find my self 8 months after her murder in and out of the court room with this woman trying to convict her of a crime she claims to have not committed. It has been a long haul, a struggle without doubt, but by the grace of God I am alright! And what I mean by alright is, when the world would think I should be in deep mourning, broken, battered, and bruised, My God has given my peace, comfort, and joy! He has not let me lay awake and night wondering what if, and why.  Instead he gives me rest in him! When the world calls me bereaved, he calls me a mother! 
At one court hearing I was struggling hard, listening to the details of what happened that night, I couldn't bear to handle it anymore. God spoke to me, He had told to not worry or fear because there is a far greater court going on right now, HIS court. And Ezra will get her justice in heaven where she belongs! 
Just after her passing while in deep mourning about to give up on this life, God called out to me and gave me a word.

Shes A Wildflower

"REJOICE! Ezra is right where Ezra belongs! She is happy, well taken care of, free, and waiting your homecoming. You on the other hand are also well taken care of, I am not done with you yet, you will make it through this and you will overcome! I love you best!" In my darkest hour he told me to rejoice and gave me light! And I have been rejoicing ever since.

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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